The Rise Of Saladman

Okay, just in case you thought all my writing was all scary, suspensey, adventurey stuff, here’s my attempt at a Saturday Night Live sketch.

 

THE RISE OF SALADMAN

FADE IN:

EXT, VEGGIE STAND, CLOSED SIGN HANGING ON IT. TWO PEOPLE PASS BY.

PERSON 1

Huh, the old guy’s still not back.

PERSON 2

I heard that he died or something. I guess that new supermarket that opened up just really pushed him over the edge.

THEY EXIT FRAME.

SALADMAN’s VOICE

The old man…DEAD? We, his collection of nutritious vegetables, were AGHAST. Something needed to be done. We joined together to do it. Like some chlorophyllic Mary Shelley, we combined our bodies to become VENGEANCE!!

CUT TO BACK ROOM OF THE NEW SUPERMARKET, COUPLE OF KIDS IN BACK UNLOADING BOXES. KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

KID 1

Hey, grab that, will ya? My hands are full.

KID 2 GOES TO DOOR.

KID 2

“My hands are full! My hands are full!” Yeah, so were mine, jerkface.

OPENS DOOR, THUNDER CRASHES, KID 2 FLIES BACK FROM DOOR, ENTER SALADMAN.

SALADMAN

COWER IN FEAR, CORPORATE DRONES!

KID 2

Dude, you here for the produce department promotion? Gotta go to the office, man.

SALADMAN TURNS ON HIM.

SALADMAN

I’m not here for any PROMOTION, meat! I am here for JUSTICE!

KID 1

Justice? What are you talking about?

SALADMAN THROWS VINES AROUND KID 1 AND KID 2.

SALADMAN

I AM HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE KILLED OUR FRIEND! YOU, AND YOUR CORPORATE CONNECTIONS, AND YOUR CORPORATE INFIGHTING, AND YOUR, UM, NOT-LOCAL-NESS!

KID 1 STRUGGLES AGAINST THE VINES.

KID 1

We didn’t kill anyone, man! Who got killed?

SALADMAN APPROACHES HIM.

SALADMAN

MR. DESANCTIS, YOU…YOU CORPORATE PERSON! WE HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN WEEKS! YOU AND YOUR CORPORATION HAVE OBVIOUSLY KILLED HIM!

KID 2 STOPS STRUGGLING.

KID 2

Mr. DeSanctis?

SALADMAN STOMPS HIS SALAD FEET.

SALADMAN

YES, MR. DESANCTIS! COWER IN FEAR, YOU…YOU DESANCTIS KILLERS!

MORE VINES COME OUT, WAVE AT KID 1 AND 2.

KID 2

Dude, he’s not dead!

SALADMAN STOMPS SOME MORE, THEN STOPS, LOOKS AT KID 2.

SALADMAN

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE’S NOT DEAD!? I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN ALMOST TWO WEEKS!

KID 2

He’s on a cruise with my girlfriend’s grandmother!

SALADMAN STOPS WAVING, SCRATCHES HIS CHIN.

SALADMAN

PROVE THIS, BUT I WARN YOU…!

SHOT OF FRONT OF SUPERMARKET, SALADMAN ON PA.

SALADMAN’s VOICE

ATTENTION, PLEASE, WILL (WHAT’s HER NAME?)

KID 2’s VOICE

Theresa, Theresa, man!

SALADMAN’s VOICE

FINE, FINE, WILL THERESA PLEASE COME BACK TO THE STOCKROOM?

BACK IN STOREROOM, THERESA ENTERS THROUGH SWINGING DOORS.

THERESA

Man, you guys have to cut down on the roughage!

KID 2

Theresa, Theresa, tell this guy that Old Man DeSanctis is with your grandma!

THERESA LOOKS AT SALADMAN DOUBTFULLY.

THERESA

I’m not gonna tell him nothing!

KID 1

Tell him, tell him, he’s gonna eat us or kill us or something!

THERESA

No. And do you know WHY? Because last night, at the pizza party, you were talking to that SLUT, your ex-girlfriend!

SALADMAN

SO, DESANCTIS IS DEAD! AND YOU, APPARENTLY, ARE NOT A GOOD BOYFRIEND! MORE REASON FOR ME TO ELIMINATE YOU!

THERESA

Mr. DeSanctis? Is that what you’re up about? He’s been on vacation with my gramma! They just got back! What kinda plants are YOU smoking?

SALADMAN

CAN YOU PROVE THIS?

THERESA SIGHS DRAMATICALLY, PULLS OUT CELL PHONE, DIALS NUMBER.

THERESA

Gramma? Yeah, it’s me. Look, there’s this guy here, doesn’t believe you’re on the boat with your BOYFRIEND. Can you talk to him?

THERESA GIVES PHONE TO SALADMAN.

SALADMAN

I WILL SPEAK TO DESANCTIS.(pause)THIS IS SALADMAN, DESANCTIS! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS WORRIED!(pause) OH. OH. I SEE. YES. WELL, TELL THE RADIOACTIVE VEGETABLES GOODBYE NEXT TIME. AND BRING ME A PRESENT. NOT SOMETHING CHEESY. FINE. FINE. YOU TOO. (hangs up) BASTARD.

THERESA

Better not have used all my minutes, you freak.

SALADMAN LAUGHS.

SALADMAN

DON’T WORRY, IF I DID, I’LL PAY YOU BACK. I’VE GOT PLENTY OF GREEN!

THEY ALL LAUGH.

FADE TO BLACK


One Response to “The Rise Of Saladman”

  1. In case anyone’s interested, this scared the socks off my wife.

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