Axioms for Better Living

Thought I’d put this on here, but apparently, I didn’t. So now I will have.
Axioms for Better Living is a waiting to be published work of interesting thoughts that came out of the Hoboken Temporal Gateway and Fortune Cookie Factory after their recent implosion. Here’s a sampling:
Axiom 11.6: Never fry bacon naked.
Axiom 3496.036: If extra-dimensional entities arrive and promise to grant you the first thing you think of, try not to think of shoes.
Axiom 25.1: When the Alien Taste Police arrive and declare that humanity is a drain on the culture of the galaxy, that’s when you’ll regret watching the 23 and a quarter hour Pauly Shore/Rush Limbaugh marathon. Just sayin’.
Axiom 3.0000000000000000001 Very often miniscule decimal amounts are rather pointless.
23.6 Don’t ask a professional wrestler why his nickname isn’t Daffodil.
19.8 Think individuality’s a bad thing? Tell me, how do Imperial Stormtroopers tell each other apart?
101.01 Do fleas climb on animals and people because we’re there? Would fleas look at Yao Ming as their own personal Everest?
87.2 Keep in mind that when you describe something as revolutionary, the root of revolution is revolt.
36.4 Surprisingly, most dentists aren’t all that interested in chewing the fat.
3.3 Arrange things in alphabetically by the order the letters appear in “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.” Be sure to use two of the letter T, H and four letter E’s. At the end declare the four E’s are banding together to overthrow the alphabet and move that upstart A to number 5.
22.6 Don’t try to make money by selling Marie Antoinette bobbleheads.
126.5 Would frog cannibals only eat the legs?
96.2 When starting a business, try to have a better plan than making cotton candy bedsheets.

23.567 Don’t try taking a helicopter to a drive through window.
47.268 Cheese doesn’t care.
64.235 William Shakespeare probably had bad breath.
1083.526 Hermit crabs are always watching to see when you abandon your house, so be careful when you take a vacation.
37.01 Birds look at people flying from New York to Florida in the fall and think, “They finally GET it!’
68.3 Puppeteers are schizophrenics with an excuse.
96.34 Support the fund for South American Hamsters Who Aren’t Allowed To Have Mohawks.


~ by Sean on June 25, 2013.

6 Responses to “Axioms for Better Living”

  1. 103.4 Ironically, Moebius disliked pretzels.

  2. 64.424 Archimedes just didn’t enjoy baths. He was, on the other hand, fond of exhibitionism.

  3. 845: The egg was first. You have eggs for breakfast, and chicken for dinner. Dinner is after breakfast, ergo the egg came first.

  4. 7.43 Some people are allergic to peanuts. All peanuts are allergic to people.

  5. 5.87: When having a party, fixing drinks should not involve Scotch tape.

  6. 682.335 The big problem with toy poodles is you can’t take the batteries out.

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