An Interesting Wedding


Friday night, one of my oldest friends got married. 

Okay, first, Jenn had our old address.  So, she had to e-mail me to invite me once the invitation she sent us was sent back to her parents’ house.  So, she invited us.  Okay.  Not a problem, even though she felt bad about it. 

I find out that Brian, my best friend, is gonna be in the wedding party.  He had the experience, seeing as he was my best man.  Best Man?  Should that be capitalized?  English major that I was, I’m kind of ashamed to admit I don’t know.  Well, whatever.  Okay, so, Brian’s in the wedding–on JENN’s side. Jenn, who he was in a really long relationship with.  So, he’s going to be a bridesmaid.  Bridesman.  Guy in a dress.  Again.  That needs some explanation as to why it’s ironic.

I found this particularly ironic, because in college, we did the Knight of British Comedy.  We selected a crapload of Python sketches to do, and we also did the entire Bells episode of the Black Adder.  I played Edmund, Lisa played Bob, and Brian played Lord Flashheart.  Edmund and Bob(who is actually Kate dressed like a boy) are to be married when Flash shows up, kisses the girl, tells her drop this loser and meet him on his horse in thirty seconds.  She can’t run in the wedding dress, and she finds that she actually PREFERS wearing boys’ clothes.  “Weird,” Flash replies, “I always feel more comfy in a dress!”  So, they switch clothes, Brian ends up in a wedding dress and they run off stage.

I’ll have to post about THAT disaster later.

So, we’ve seen Brian in a wedding dress.  Always a bride, never a bridesmaid.  Bridesman.  Whatever. 

Okay, back to the adventure.  So, the wedding is taking place at Trinity Evangelical in New Hope.  Painter, for such is Brian’s last name, tells me the church is on 263/York Road.  So, I set out up on York by our place and drive down.  And down.  And down some more.  I get all the way into New Hope, which is the end of the road unless you wanna either go over the bridge or pull a George Washington and punt across the Delaware.  I figured there would be a serious lack of Hessians in Trenton, so I turned around and tried to find the church again.  The wedding was supposed to start at 5:00. By now, it was 4:35.  I call Painter’s cell, and ask him where the heck this church is.

“It’s on 263,” he says.  “Look for the big red lobster on the lawn.”

I’m not making this stuff up, folks.

A red lobster?  A LOBSTER? I say to myself.  Weird.  Well, whatever.

I turn around, go back up the hill.  Get halfway back to our place.  Painter calls, since I obviously haven’t found it yet.  “I’ll be there, don’t worry,” I tell him.  “Bhodi’s going to be fashionably late,” I hear Brian say.  CRAP, I think.   I don’t like being late.  I like to be reliable.  So, I turn around(AGAIN) and drive down.   Well, it’s ten after five, and I get behind the winner of the slowest, dumpiest Subaru competition.  The day BEFORE, I had just talked to my son Brian, not Bridesman Brian, how honking your horn is a wasted effort and a jerk move.  That horn was really tempting.  So, finally, the road splits into two lanes, I get by, and zoom down.  Finally, I see the freakin’ lobster.  A lobster, in front of the church.  I don’t understand.  We don’t live anywhere near lobster country. 

So, I park, get in to the church fifteen minutes late, things are just getting started.  I slip in, get into the pew, and I’m very relieved to see that Brian is NOT in a dress, he’s just in a tux with a pink vest.  The priest cracks some jokes, Colin and Jenn go through their vows, all is good.  People start filing out after Jenn and Colin make their escape.  By this point, I’ve realized that all the guys in the wedding party, Brian included, have longer hair than most of the women.  Okay, so as the people are leaving, I see Tim and Diane, two more of our friends that I haven’t seen in for-freakin’-ever.  So, the receiving line gets through.  Jenn’s dad asks me if I’m one of the sword types. 

See, we’re all gamers.  Also, the medieval times are kind of a particular fascination for us.  I’d even thought of wearing my dagger just to mess around.  Propriety won out.  So, I say, I would be if I didn’t work every weekend.  I had no idea how wrong I was.

After the receiving line, I left the church.  There were pirates there. Not the baseball team.  Actual pirates. Swords, boots, long dresses, high bodices, flintlocks, tricorner hats–I felt so underarmed I thought of changing my name to Degree.  Apparently, Colin belongs to a pirate crew.   At this point, nothing could surprise me. 

A woman whose lack of swash and/or buckles was handing out directions to the reception while the nonplussed photographer was trying to get Colin Sparrow and his crew to line up for pictures.  Brian hands me the remaining programs and the extra directions and asks me to bring them to the reception.  By this point, one of the non-pirate guys, also named Brian, observes that I have great hair and it looks as though I stole it from Adam Ant.  I’m used to such jibes about my high coiffure, so I point out in actuality my hair is very thin, I just have an exceedingly large cranium.  Laughter ensues.  I figure I’ve expended my usefulness at the church, so I make my way to the car.  As I look at the directions, I see that the reception hall is about four feet from our house–and about a forty minute ride from the church.  Just as I set out, the clouds can hold their feelings about the beautiful ceremony no longer and open up completely. 

I drive for about ten minutes when Brian calls me.  Turns out, they weren’t done with the directions like we thought.  I turn around again, and set back for the church.  Brian calls again, says not to worry about coming back, everyone there will find it.  So, feeling like a revolving door in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, I turn around.  Yet again. 

According to the map, the reception is pretty close to both the Naval Air Station and the school where I used to go with Brian’s camp to swim.  Turns out, it’s directly across from the school.  I get in, and our ’98 Toyota gets valet parked.  I can’t help but feel like it’s akin to having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich delivered on a silver platter with a glass of milk in Waterford crystal.

Going inside, I run into Tim and Diane again, and Csaba and his wife.  Csaba was ALSO seriously involved with Jenn at one point.  Photographers come around, take pictures of us, waiters come around  with hors d’oeuvres to die for.  Bacon wrapped scallops, Asian veggies on tortillas, little mini-cheesesteaks, tiny lamb chops, SOOOOOO good. 

Finally, we go inside.  Instead of placecards with our tables on it, there are cookies with our names in icing.  As is to be expected, mine doesn’t say Sean.  It says Mr. Bhodi Li Scullion.  Since there were so many Seans and Shawns and Shauns in college, I became Bhodi.    I’m suddenly very happy Stace didn’t come, since she despises with a capital D and even more capital spises when my friends call me Bhodi.  I get a kick out the cookie, though.  So, I’m at the same table as Brian, Tim, Di, Csaba, Mrs. Csaba, and Clint.  Jenn and Colin have a little table all to themselves. 

The wedding party starts to be introduced.  First, Colin’s grandmother escorted by the Adam Ant Brian, then Painter who they’ve managed to connect to a woman to enter, then the maid of honor and the best man, Colin’s brother who is Good Grief, ANOTHER Brian!    The pirates go and make a bladed canopy for Jenn and Colin to enter under.  They had their first dance.  Much food, much music, all is well.

At this point, Painter tells me I have to talk to Brian who compared me to Adam Ant.  He’s a fascinating individual who was just in a History Channel piece that he keeps on his iPhone for developing the Zombie Killer, an overlong chainsaw with three circular spinning saw blades.  I wonder if that was his wedding present to the happy couple. 

Right after this, the Pirate Captain and his crowd summon Colin and Jenn to the dance floor.  Words ensue, jibes that are increasing in their volatility.  The captain has to make sure Jenn is worthy to marry into the family.  Drawing a blade, Colin swears he will defend her honor (which, he points out, she never did a very good job of herself.)  Swords clash and the blacksmith’s shop scene from Pirates of the Carribean is played out step for step on the dance floor.  Unsurprisingly, Colin wins.  Jenn is awarded the badge of, well, Piratitude, a large feathered hat. 

Later on, after a filet mignon dinner that was so rare and so lean that it was the stuff of legend, we went out on the balcony.  Pirate Captain proclaimed it time to salute the couple with the flintlocks.  After one successful shot and two or three misfires, the three pistols rang out.  Powder was loaded again, fired again.  It was at this point that it was pointed out firing pistols on the property next to the Naval Air Station may not be particularly wise. 

Not long after this, after many calls from OUR Brian, Captain Cloneboy, I’m convinced it’s time to depart.  Lightning is striking in the neighborhood, which we’ve been watching.  As our intrepid readers will recall, Brian’s not a fan of weather.  I said my goodbyes, got the car, got gas since my fumes were on fumes, and went home.

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~ by Sean on May 17, 2010.

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