My Top Ten Predictions For The New Trek Movie

Well, since it’s release date is ONLY 11 months away, I think it’s high time I made some educated predictions about this movie. 

“But why YOU?  What makes you so qualified to predict?”

Nothing.  Which is precisely where everyone ELSE on the internet is except for people that JJ Abrams has promised to send the Cloverfield monster after to eat their firstborn if they reveal anything.  But its my blog and I can do it if I want to, so THERE, BLEAH!

10. Carol Marcus will leave a message with Gary Mitchell about “a little problem.”

9. Someone from the cast of Enterprise will make an appearance.

8. Someone somewhere will YouTube the old gag reel of a guy feeding coal into the warp engines with new audio–“Forty friggin’ years I’ve been at this, do I get any screen time?  Interviews?  Action figures?”

7. The internet will go down for a week and a half in some parts of the world with phony “REAL GENUINE SHOOTING SCRIPTS!” clogging up every single bit of memory.

6. People in New York will be interviewed camping out for tickets both to the movie and to the Giants’ second Super Bowl in two years to see them win again.

(Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he….?)

5. The word “canon” is going to be thrown around so much that either the Vatican’s going to get annoyed or the next person to utter it will be launched out of one.  (Yeah, I know, different spelling, just go with the darn joke.  Eeesh, some people!)

4. JJ Abrams or SOMEONE from the cast will go on SNL, Shatner will appear, there’ll be a whole “Get a Life” riff, followed by a Priceline gag. 

3. Just like what happened in ’87, the Old Trek Fans will Scoff and Mock the New Trek Fans for months on end.

2. Trek Purists will examine every frame of the film after watching all 108 hours of Original Trek and come up with lengthy, well thought-out lists of problems that they have with the new movie and how it violates everything they know to be the Truth.  J J Abrams will tell them to get a life.

1. If I even think of trying to go see this Christmas day, Stace will hit me with her ubiquitous 2 X 4.

Now I have this horrid image in my head, Anton Yelchin’s Chekov calls home to his uncles, Walter Koenig and Davy Jones show up on screen, they talk, they sign off, Anton says, “I don’t think I look like EITHER of them…”


~ by Sean on January 31, 2008.

9 Responses to “My Top Ten Predictions For The New Trek Movie”

  1. 11. There will be at least one in-joke for each version of the TV show except DS-9. Only one will be funny.

    12. The “It’s good VS it’s Sucks” war between the Trekkers and the Trekkies over this film will only finally be settled by a PPV extravaganza involving electrified barbed wire, hidden landmines, exotic weapons and homemade Trek costumes.

    13. Kirk will shag the alien babe.

  2. Right on all three counts, Friend Chandler!! Now, we have to get together and start designing the arena for said PPV extrekvaganza(see what I did there?) and demand complete control of the course.

  3. 14. Some time, somewhere in the movie a black hole will trap the Enterprise.

    15. A vague Star Wars reference will be alluded to.

    And an addendum to number 4… a T.J. Hooker line will also be included. Denny Crane.

  4. HOW, HOW I ask, did I not think of that one? Andy, I bow before you.

  5. 16. (After word from friends on Cloverfield.) $60 million at the box office in the opening weekend and then crash and burn, even with the rabid fanbase, before seeing $100 million domestic.

    As of today, Cloverfield is only at $77,842,000 domestic. It’ll be saved by it’s oversea’s take and the fact the total budget was something like $45 million to make($25 mil) and to promote(Aprox. $20 mil). It’s not in the red in any way shape or form, but that’s nothing like what was expected of it.

  6. God, that’s all? I wonder if the practically-alll-viral campaign backfired?

  7. I think what failed it was the post release word of mouth. I haven’t seen it yet, but something like 7 out of 10 people that I know who saw it all said that it was the American Godzilla movie ala The Blair Witch Project but not as good. Translation: It’s a rent.

  8. As a friend, I have to recommend that you see it in the theater. Out of everyone I know that saw it, only three had anything bad to say, and two of those just didn’t like one specific part and the third never has anything good to say about anything. Ever.

    I’d personally like to see it again if I get the chance. The buzz does seem to have just pretty much died off, though.

  9. Since they changed the release date to May, forget about number 1. Or make up your own. Or something.

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